1/2/16 12:14 pm - Unhoming
I do so really detest January, with a kind of cordial detestation from long familiarity. I have likened this time of year to the equivalent of Monday morning. The Holiday season is like a Friday night, and you put off worrying about things until the weekend is over, but now Monday has rolled around and the bright light of day shines on everything you have been avoiding.
I am moving out, and moving on. I put off looking for a new place because well, why bother doing that if I am not going to move until like February? Nobody will hold an apartment that long. But now the time is here, and all of the theoreticals become actuals. I need to start looking. I was looking around my room at the mess built up over the holidays, and I thought "I need to clean up in here" and then I realized that I might as well call it "packing", because that is actually what it is. I need to clean this room up, but I will not be cleaning it up again.
My mom used to call this "being into your no-mores", whenever a change in life was coming. You will inevitably do something and think - either in pleasure or regret - that you will not have to do that again. It can be a good thing, looking at things you dislike and are leaving behind. I will not have to deal with the lawn here again. No more mowing, no more trimming. I don't have to worry about the gutters, or the chimney. A lot of the things I have been worrying about for many years will no longer be my problem.
And I must say, the prospect of having the mortgage off my shoulders is liberating. I have lived in a deep fear ever since we signed that paper. I never had a mortgage before, and I really hate it. People would ask if I owned my own home and I hesitated, because I didn't - I owned part of one. As long as a bank owns half your house and can take it away, then it's not really yours. It never felt like mine, and I remember I spent several years not able to sleep well because of the terror this induced. So it will be good to have that lifted.
But my marriage is ending, and that is not a good "no-more" to contemplate. I suppose you could say the marriage ended years ago, and this is just the formality of dissolving what is left. It bothers me that I can't remember a moment that really said it was done. I can't tell when it happened. I still love Naamah, even if it is not that kind of love anymore. But everything I feel like I am losing, I have already lost, I was just hanging onto the echo for more years than I care to think about. I have been a part of the same "we" for the past 25 years - more than half my life - and unplugging that mental circuit is a slow and sad process. I have to go back to being just "I", and I have not been that since I was 19, really.
I'm going to be on my own, and I have not been for a very long time. I have to hope I remember how to do it. Some of it will be good, and some of it will hurt. I don't get a say in any of it. So that's my new year.